he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
