Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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