So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
