I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
