I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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