When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
