So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
my being single is dangerous.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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