I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Randomize
