On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
