I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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