I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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