dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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