Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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