guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
