i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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