I wish my penis had an off switch
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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