I was the one passing out cake at the bars
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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