Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
sex in a hospital.. check
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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