fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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