I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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