God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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