Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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