I need help removing her.
I think my fart just growled at me.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
