i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I feel like abortions should bother me more
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
