my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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