Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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