anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
