My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
