I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Randomize
