Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
