Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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