Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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