my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
