Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I supernannyed him into submission
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
