He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm too high and old for this...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
