The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
