I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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