Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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