The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
