Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
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