I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
