she kept yelling 'call me bella'
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
