I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
