I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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