So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
