Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
