Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I just googled if crying burns calories
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
