I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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