My liver just broke up with me...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Randomize
