i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You made out with two different species that night
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
