your parents love me but you hate me
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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