I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
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