they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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