Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
