from now on my penis is your penis
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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