Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
