I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Randomize
