meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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